The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
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For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.