The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
You Might Also Like
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
look at me when i’m typing to you
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
My dad.
what’s really going on
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.