The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
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Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.