@scottthetwat

The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement
won’t be able to sleep for a very long time.

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@FavoritesYou

Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!

@Woody_B_

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

@PellMull

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

@NotChuckBarkley

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

@KimmyMonte

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

@BuckyIsotope

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

@rationalists

Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia.

@RedRegenerated

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

@TheAlexNevil

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win