The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement
won’t be able to sleep for a very long time.

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Doctor: we have to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s the most important part


If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.


Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs


Until a pregnancy test commercial involves a chick hysterically crying & screaming MY LIFE IS OVER, it’s not real life.


Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.


Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation ….


My bladder has been tested on this road trip. I still don’t know how far a ‘mile’ really is but I can drive 75 of them before I have to pee.