The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement
won’t be able to sleep for a very long time.

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Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!


HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!


It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…


Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z


Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.


ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that


Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia.


OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.


Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.


Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win