@scottthetwat

The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement
won’t be able to sleep for a very long time.

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@CrockettForReal

Doctor: we have to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s the most important part

@RdrJay47

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

@iLikeCatShirts

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

@Chel__CLE

Until a pregnancy test commercial involves a chick hysterically crying & screaming MY LIFE IS OVER, it’s not real life.

@benterwin

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

@DuhhEmma

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation ….

@AngelaEhh

My bladder has been tested on this road trip. I still don’t know how far a ‘mile’ really is but I can drive 75 of them before I have to pee.