America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement
won’t be able to sleep for a very long time.
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Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Why are they called condoms and not woody hoodies?
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Sharing is caring, unless you’re coming for my phone charger.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
As your goth healthcare provider I urge you to drink water. There is nothing more attractive or intimidating than a hydrated goth.