My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
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Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
absolute chaos
happy mother’s day❤️
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
That time Alicia messaged me
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually