The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
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*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.