@_Ms_Moneypenny_

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

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@Tormny_Pickeals

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

@LDLevesque

I always envisioned Hermione as a burly, middle-aged Italian fellow, so imagine my surprise when the films revealed her to be a little girl.

@seamussaid

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

@amydillon

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

@Slave_4_U

Hot single senior citizens in your area need air conditioning.

@ninatreemonkey

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

@NervousJr

Nobody tell my husband that “year round periods” aren’t a thing.

@AshleyGriffo_

Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but can’t tipfinger