The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
You Might Also Like
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
R.I.P.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.