@heidi420x

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

You Might Also Like

@causticbob

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

@yonewt

panicked at the grocery store and came home with a pineapple

@Shen_the_Bird

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

@DurtMcHurtt

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

@not_thenanny

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

@elunatyk

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

@JPLFR80

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.

@haveigotnews

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

@murrman5

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”