The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
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[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool