The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

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An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.


panicked at the grocery store and came home with a pineapple


imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck


Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.


3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!


I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.


When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.


Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.


[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”