Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
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I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Ever since childhood I’ve identified as a hippo. While other kids were playing, I savagely mauled villagers. #TransSpecies
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Me *whispers*: I need your mouth on me
Him: Yeah? Where?
M *fingers traveling down: Here
H: WTF is THAT?!
M: Snakebite. Stop wasting time