Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
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*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G1: “and it stinks”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?