The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
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Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.