the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
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What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?