*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
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Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Me: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
Priest: How long since your last confession, my son?
Me: About 45 minutes.
1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom.
2. Whisper, “Oh no, not again…”
3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent