The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
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My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Anime is real
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Duolingo getting serious.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun