The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

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Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.


DUDE: first of all

ME: oh shit this dude’s about to make more than one point


*goes to Australia
*sees hot girl
*asks if she wants to be my first mate
*winks forever
*gets punched down under


Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers


To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.


“YOU’RE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!” – I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra BBQ sauce.


*priest says a final prayer*
*harambe’s casket is lowered into the ground*
*toddler falls in*


Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.


On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.


[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”