The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

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*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.


Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.


Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else


When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.


Me: Bless me Father for I have sinned.

Priest: How long since your last confession, my son?

Me: About 45 minutes.


1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom.
2. Whisper, “Oh no, not again…”
3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.


*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.


Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?


when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent