Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
You Might Also Like
DUDE: first of all
ME: oh shit this dude’s about to make more than one point
*goes to Australia
*sees hot girl
*asks if she wants to be my first mate
*gets punched down under
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
“YOU’RE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!” – I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra BBQ sauce.
*priest says a final prayer*
*harambe’s casket is lowered into the ground*
*toddler falls in*
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”