The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

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Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!


You can learn a lot about a person if you install a camera in their bedroom.


“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.


I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing


If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.


[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?


Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?