Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
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Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?