Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
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[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”