The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
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Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
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Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
not seeing the problem
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
checking out some reviews of my local library
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead