The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
You Might Also Like
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
#Caturday
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.