The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
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imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time