The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

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My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?


Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.


Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.


“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”


Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..


TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family


Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.


Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.