@TheToddWilliams

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

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@Lisabug74

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

@Gowitty

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

@neiltyson

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

@iMonkGreen

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

@faizziy

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

@notacroc

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

@wickedsuga

Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.

@sophgaston

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.