The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
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If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices