[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
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I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”