The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
You Might Also Like
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I hope google does well on my son’s test
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.