I cannot stop laughing at this
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A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.