The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
You Might Also Like
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.