ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
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Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
So what if I used a time machine to kill Hitler but arrived too late? And now he’s alive and knows how to time travel? Would you guys be mad
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
This google docs thing is lame. Whatever happened to those viruses that turned your screen into a laughing skull & shut down the power grid?
Coworker: I could care less!
Me: How much less could you care?
Coworker: I don’t get it.
Me: I noticed.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
the early bird gets the worm but so does the bird that gets outta bed around 1pm because there are plenty of worms out there believe me