The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

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I like my meth labs like I like my girlfriends: highly unstable and locked in my basement.


Whenever I’m in the mood for a bowl of wet meat and vegetables, I always choose Soup.™


[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!


*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*



How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?


Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that


I don’t always whoop.

But when i do.. there it is