The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
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[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.