@NoogsCorner

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

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@ch000ch

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

@RealCarlHardt

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

@Parkerlawyer

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

@EmoPhilips

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

@havingafatday

So what if I used a time machine to kill Hitler but arrived too late? And now he’s alive and knows how to time travel? Would you guys be mad

@simoncholland

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

@LukeMones

This google docs thing is lame. Whatever happened to those viruses that turned your screen into a laughing skull & shut down the power grid?

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: I could care less!

Me: How much less could you care?

Coworker: I don’t get it.

Me: I noticed.

@BigJDubz

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

@rorynotroy

the early bird gets the worm but so does the bird that gets outta bed around 1pm because there are plenty of worms out there believe me