the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
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Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”