Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@GingerHotDish

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

@pekin83

I don’t get how people still get attacked by sharks. DON’T THEY HEAR THE MUSIC?

@IncrediblyRich

Same.

@HMittelmark

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

@ThisLocalHater

Always the bridesmaid, never the terrifying mist that consumes the souls of the townspeople at random

@pecan_pie_1

When my toddlers are teenagers I’m going to wake them up in the middle of the night to tell them I’m thirsty

@XplodingUnicorn

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

@2Saddington

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

@2Saddington

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

@TheMichaelRock

If we have learned anything from the Friday the 13th movies, it’s that Jason mainly kills people having sex. Most of you should be good.