You can give a centaur a fish AND lead him to water, which is pretty awesome.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
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“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I’m sorry I poked your baby with your selfie stick but I didn’t really know what to do with either of them.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
My ex-girlfriend is getting divorced from my ex-best friend and I didn’t think it was possible to be this happy.