the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

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You can give a centaur a fish AND lead him to water, which is pretty awesome.


“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.


I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.


[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.


I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?


I’m sorry I poked your baby with your selfie stick but I didn’t really know what to do with either of them.


My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.


A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”


My ex-girlfriend is getting divorced from my ex-best friend and I didn’t think it was possible to be this happy.