The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

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62% of swimmers say they pee in the ocean……. now you know why SpongeBob is yellow.


Child in a car: Strap them to the seat or you will be fined and jailed.

Bus full of children: They’ll be fine just throw em in there.


4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?


Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.


Facebook: “Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?”
Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.


Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?


Sometimes you’ve got to ask yourself: ‘Why am I talking to myself?’


My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.