The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

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I’m getting really good at this parenting thing. I just secretly ate 3 oreos while my kids were in the same room.


So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.


Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.


dating tip: do NOT kiss their dad on the first date to establish dominance. wait until at least the second date. he will respect you more


Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.


Every time I turn in a job application and don’t get hired, I just assume they found this account.


I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.


[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …


I heard that processed meats are just as bad for you as cigarettes so I’m walking around smoking a hot dog looking cool as hell.