@madcaplaughs30

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

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@IwanWil

I’m getting really good at this parenting thing. I just secretly ate 3 oreos while my kids were in the same room.

@JohnLyonTweets

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

@stereoskyline

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

@EJGomez

dating tip: do NOT kiss their dad on the first date to establish dominance. wait until at least the second date. he will respect you more

@pplwtching

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

@_salt_n_lime

Every time I turn in a job application and don’t get hired, I just assume they found this account.

@Home_Halfway

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

@UncleDuke1969

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

@duplicitron

I heard that processed meats are just as bad for you as cigarettes so I’m walking around smoking a hot dog looking cool as hell.