The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
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Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
early stone age tool