The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
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At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I’ve had worse
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Skills
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Friends that check up on you >
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.