The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
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Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.