I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
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America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on