“The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked”
I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache

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Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.


Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys


All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….


Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.


[watching avengers endgame when Thanos first appears on screen]

me: [whispers to girlfriend] that’s Thermos


“Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!” – Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.


Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure