@davidkenny100

“The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked”
I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache

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@CakeThrottle

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

@copymama

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

@jackiembouvier

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

@mrtruthandsoul

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

@fluffysuse

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

@baronvonbike

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

@amethystxmatt

turns out skrillexs music has healing properties: during a concert, a paralysed boy stood up and left

@BritXNic

I don’t chase guys unless I have my inhaler with me.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[at the vet with my cat]
cat: meow
me: i know, that’s why i brought you here

@KellyMeldrum

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.