@davidkenny100

“The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked”
I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache

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@JohnnyRiggs9

The half of us that don’t want to go back to the office are responsible for driving slow in the fast lane so you know

@dafloydsta

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

@longwall26

If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to tell them they need to relax. You’d be surprised how many people hadn’t thought of that.

@comes_night

The only difference between a colonoscopy and Taco Bell is money.

@erichwithach

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

@YSylon

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

@GrowlyGrego

[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”