If you are reading this you are probably not blind.
“The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked”
I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache
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You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
“Stop hitting me.”
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• 47 wise guys
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
[watching avengers endgame when Thanos first appears on screen]
me: [whispers to girlfriend] that’s Thermos
“Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!” – Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure