“The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked”
I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache

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The half of us that don’t want to go back to the office are responsible for driving slow in the fast lane so you know


HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever


If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to tell them they need to relax. You’d be surprised how many people hadn’t thought of that.


The only difference between a colonoscopy and Taco Bell is money.


Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.


Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw


[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.


Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”