The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
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If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Aw man, but that’s the best part
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air