The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball