Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
You Might Also Like
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl