The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs