I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
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me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Sorry. Not sorry
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper