My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
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one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no