Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
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I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
the three branches of government
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.