The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
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yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
What an awful time to have common sense.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?