BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
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them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.