[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel


professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?


When you’re dead, you have no idea you’re dead. It’s only difficult for other people…..

Much the same as when you’re stupid…..


*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.


Bae: come over
Me: do you have food?
Bae: my parents aren’t home
Me: Are they gonna come back with food?


Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.


‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.


90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.


My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay… If
my nails weren’t drying I swear to god…


Pretty cool that there’s no law saying you can’t name your kid Squidward if you want.