Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow…alcohol is 1 in 5.
You play your game…I’ll play mine
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
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*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Boss left his email open.
Me: *looks around, send email to district manager “i love you”
Now we wait
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Even though I’m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?