[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

You Might Also Like


Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow…alcohol is 1 in 5.

You play your game…I’ll play mine


doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t


“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich


Boss left his email open.
Me: *looks around, send email to district manager “i love you”

Now we wait


“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.


Even though I’m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.


My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.


[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?