[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
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me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
my dad has had enough
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.