@blade_funner

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

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@TheBeerdedOne

Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow…alcohol is 1 in 5.

You play your game…I’ll play mine

@mrjohndarby

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

@bartandsoul

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

@turtledumplin

Boss left his email open.
Me: *looks around, send email to district manager “i love you”

Now we wait

@protolalia

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

@MikeCanRant

Even though I’m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.

@maughammom

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

@Ideal_Victoria

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?