Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
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half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
multitasking lunch
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
wish me luck lads
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas