Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
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“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.