The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
sistine chapel
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?