The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
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What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car