Your quarantine name is your Amazon username and password.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
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Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?
How about your kid?
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
You show up unannounced at my door. I invite you in and sit you down in the kitchen with a cup of coffee. I begin mopping the floor, smiling at you as I work my way backwards towards the doorway. Please let that dry, I shout, as I put on my coat and leave the house.
Wife: “We’ve had too many children. Where will they all sleep?”
Husband: “I don’t know. Just stack ’em in the corners or something.”
– how bunk beds were invented