The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
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Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
If a snake ate a cake
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
so much to do
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body