The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead