Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
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[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit