[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
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Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in