The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
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the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣