@yenniwhite
@HatfieldAnne
[on neighbor’s porch]
I am here to purchase the dog you neglect. Either you take this money now or I will use it myself to post bail later.
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@HatfieldAnne
@TrueTorontoGirl
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
@TheBoydP
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
@mdarthvaderm
@Smooheed
Think I pulled my liver
@NYC_Blonde
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
@Jake_Vig
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
@Bratterina
{During sex}
Him: speak dirty
Me: mud, mud, MUUUUUUD
@ArfMeasures
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
@ShitpostBot5000
