[on neighbor’s porch]
I am here to purchase the dog you neglect. Either you take this money now or I will use it myself to post bail later.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
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My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Think I pulled my liver
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Him: speak dirty
Me: mud, mud, MUUUUUUD
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them