The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

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[on neighbor’s porch]
I am here to purchase the dog you neglect. Either you take this money now or I will use it myself to post bail later.


All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.


I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.


Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”


ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them